Can it even be possible?

What is this feeling I am experiencing? Anger? No. That can't be it. Frustration? Over what? 
Every time she posts something to him on that stupid social network website that is even remotely flirty, I get upset. Am I jealous??? Is that even possible? I'm happy in my relationship. I'm ecstatic to be where I am in my life. Why does it matter? She's single. He's single. They even know each other. What's the big deal, Leila?
I had a crush on him for YEARS when I was in middle school and he was so much older he didn't even know that I existed. Then, he and my oldest brother became friends and I crushed on him even harder. He graduated high school without ever speaking a word in my general direction. 
Adulthood came around and in my stupor one night, he and I became social networking friends. Then began the midnight chats while I worked crazy hours and he suffered from insomnia. We use to talk on a weekly basis about life and offer advice to each other even though we had never really met. The idea of getting together one day was kicked around a time or two but it was never ever acted on. I admitted to him, one night among a playful conversation, that I still harbored a little crush on him and looked forward to talking to him whenever I saw that we were both online at the same time. At that time, he admitted to forming a little bit of a liking to me as well. Boy oh boy did my head soar that day!! Could it be?!?! Could my middle school crush actually be crushing on me now as an adult?!?! For serious???
Then, life changed. I got thrown a curve ball and took off after my heart once Craig swooped in a stole it from me when I wasn't looking. Things have never been the same. 
I think Zane and I have only actually IM-ed a handful of times in the past 4 years. Even less than that, maybe. An occasional comment here and there on each other's status or photo post...yep...that's it. 
So why do I suddenly think horrible thoughts every time this one particular female friend of ours makes a flirty comment or hints at going to visit him? 
I must still have a crush? Is that possible? Is he "the one that got away"?? Can't be. I never had him. Never had a chance with him. I guess he will always just be there.....hanging in the background.......the road not taken.....the adventure never explored. I guess it's better that way. 
Just breathe in and breathe out, Leila. You are fine. You are happy. You are complete. Let it go. Let him go.  Rock on, Haley. Go for it. Hope you two can find happiness. I will just fade into the black background and go on as a spectator. Don't you ever dare hurt him, though. Don't you try and change him either. He's perfect the way he is and doesn't need anyone else's approval. I'm warning you, little lady!! LoL

Thanks for stopping by and don't forget to feed the fish on the way out! :)

Now I'm complaining....

I just checked the mail and now I'm a little irked! In the mail, Craig and I both received envelopes from two of the three of his great-nieces (whom we love almost like they were our own daughters). Excited to hear from them, I tore open the envelope addressed to me. Not what I was expecting. I thought maybe they had written letters in school (they are 5 and 6 year old twins) and couldn't wait to see what they were learning. NOPE!! It was a fund-raiser for computers for school. That wasn't what upset me. I don't mind contributing to a fund-raiser now and then for a good cause. The card inside stated that they were looking for sponsors and enclosed a brochure that we could order from. Two orders would get them a free T-shirt. "This isn't too bad," I thought to myself as I opened the tri-folded, multi-colored paper brochure. Then I saw it. What they were hocking were magazine subscriptions and they were $25-$40 a piece! If I were to purchase two in order to get them their "free" T-shirt, that's like, $80!! How in the hell is THAT a "free" anything?!?! Is this SpongeBob T-shirt made with golden thread?? I feel obligated to order something since I love my nieces and want them to be able to participate in their fund-raiser, but goodness gracious! This company is basically pimping out 5 year olds under the guise of a fund-raiser! How crushed are they going to be when everyone else is getting a T-shirt on prize day and they are not? Why is this acceptable? Girl Scout cookies and Boy Scout popcorn is one thing, but a magazine subscription at $25 a pop and then to try and guilt me into buying not only one subscription I don't need, but two?!?! Are you serious right now? Then, of course, you have to take into consideration that Craig got one, too! That's $160 spent in magazine subscriptions! That is enough to pay both our phone bills and our cable bill! 
I remember being a kid and having fund-raisers where we sold candy and holiday gift-things. I don't remember, however, the things being over $20/piece. My parents always bought something, yes it was usually a lower priced item, but it was something so I was at least participating. Come to think of it, I don't think we ever even saw the benefits of those fund-raisers. Our classrooms didn't get computers, or tvs or new playground equipment......where does all that raised money go, anyway? 
Turning my great-nieces into magazine slinging pimps and dealers....WTFug, really! I think I'm going to just buy each of them a friggin T-shirt with SpongeBob on it and send it to them in the mail. Wouldn't that be cooler, anyway? To get a package in the mail with your name on it at age 6?

My how things have changed....

Yeah....so...three short years later and here I am, once again turning to a blog. I had forgotten my password and sign on for this account and didn't really want to start a new blog, so after the long tedious project of resetting everything, I am here.
So much has happened....I don't even know where to begin. I really don't have time at the moment. I just wanted to post a quick update to let you know that I am back and you can look forward to more new posts from me here shortly.
Missed you all and really missed venting and writing.....check back soon....like, uhm, later this weekend or early next week for sure....

Craig was "different"

How could I be so stupid to invest so much of my time, energy and emotion into someone that never loved me at all. Why do I do this to myself? When I love, I give it my all, my everything and all that I get in return is bullshit and heartache. Why do I keep allowing myself to "fall in love" when "love" doesn't even truly exist?

The impeccable timing of the reappearance of Tyson....

Saturday, I lost my job. I have been putting in applications for a week around the neighborhood and still haven't heard back from a single one of them. The only solution I see is for me to move to Virginia to be with Craig. Maybe the two of us can make it work if we are together. I'm not talking about the relationship part because we have that on lock. I mean the financial, economical stability part of it all. Today I put in four job applications for the area down there as well as six applications for apartments. Hopefully I will hear something from someone soon. The plan is for me to go down there for about a week or so and get a job and then come back here and get a UHAUL with all my stuff in it and move down there. Mark said that he should be able to cover the rent for September and find a roommate before October. Wow....this is really scary. It's all happening so fast! What am I thinking? What if it DOESN'T work out? What if I CAN'T find a job or a place? What if I CAN'T get a car? What if it DOESN'T work out with Craig? What will I do then? No sooner do these thoughts come crashing down on me than do I bump into Tyson for the first time since the exchange in the hallway."Don't come crying to me when he beats the hell out of you and you see that I was right from the start! I can't stand the thought of that happening, but you obviously don't give a flying fuck about yourself!" Those words resonated in my memory as his eyes met mine in the parking lot of our apartment complex.
"Hey," he mumbled with a nod.
"Hey," I mumbled back at him.
He didn't look away. He held my gaze.
"So...what's new?" he questioned.
"I'm moving."
"Oh yeah? Where to?"
"Virginia."
His body tensed. He secured the lock on his bike and started toward me. "It's come to that, has it?"
"Well, I got fired yesterday and I've applied everywhere around here with no callbacks. I don't have a car to look elsewhere. What choice do I have? I'm leaving next Wednesday." "If you hadn't de-friended me and disappeared from my life you would know all this." I shot back at him in my mind.
"The cafe down the street is hiring. You should try there. They hired me but I only worked there for two days."
The petty small talk was killing me.
"I still have my part time job working two days a week at the motel up the street."
"Oh?" he raised his eyebrow. "So it's not over yet. You could still make it work."
His face softened. "Dammit, Leila. I miss you. I really do. I know that you've seen Little Girl recently and I know what you've said about me. Maybe I deserved it."
My words came back to haunt me. "Tyson is a little bitch. Point blank."
"I was angry that you left me. I didn't mean them."
He held up his hand in protest. "Bottom line is this: I miss you and I don't think you should go. Fuck that. I don't WANT you to go. You can't. It's not right! For fuck's sake, Leila. He's habitual! He's done HARD time more than ONCE for this! Why are you being so head-over-heels stupid for this guy? You deserve so much better than that!"
"What am I going to do, Tyson? I can't make it work here. I've tried. I've given it everything."
"We can talk it out! We always have! That's what we do! Fuck, Leila. Jesus Christ!"
"Well, I'm upstairs. Everyday. All day now."
"Yeah. We have to do the exchange-the-pipe-for-the-coffee-table-thing before you leave." He was changing the subject to lighten the tension in the air. "Uhm. Hannah lost your pipe so she got you a new one. But it's bigger and better than the one she lost so you make out in the end. I'll see you. I will. I mean it. Shit's been crazy."
"Well. You know where I'm at..." and I walked up the stairs to the second floor.
The door closed behind me and I collapsed against it. Why him? Why now? Why, on the day I decide to totally change my life and take the plunge into the unknown, do I run into Tyson? After all this time. What is the universe really trying to tell me? Is this a test? What am I being tested on? Tyson and I have that soul-mate-at-the-wrong-time connection thing. He's right. He usually is as I am usually right when it comes to matters in his life. Everything is so rushed it's bound to fall apart. The very ground I walk on is going to crumble beneath my feet. I can't take this shit anymore. What did I do to piss off the powers of the earth? Why is shit always so complicated? Why does the universe get such a kick out of torturing me and fucking with me? Why oh why am I out of smokes at this very mind-fucking moment in time?!?!?

Don't forget to feed the fish on your way out....thanks....

...

My head is an ocean.
I keep getting lost amongst the waves.
I'm swept away by the current.
Gasping for air, I just swallow the salty water.
Coughing and choking I'm disoriented.
I'm going to drown.
Save me from the undertow.
Where is my deserted island?
Oh how I long to crash into its shore.

The mysterious disappearance of Tyson...

I haven't heard from Tyson in almost three months. Weird. We use to be so close--inseparable. He doesn't like Craig. He thinks I can do better.
Tyson got a dog. The only reasons I know this is because I can hear it barking when he's not home and I have seen it sitting in the window of his apartment waiting on him. Small thing it is. Not sure the breed. I've heard that he named him Cheese.
He stopped answering my phone calls and text messages and then one day I noticed that he had deleted me from his friends list on that stupid social networking site. That really bothered me. It bothered me for more than one reason. I was bothered because I realized that I didn't even notice when he did that. I was bothered because until then I was unaware that he and I even had an issue, let alone one grand enough to cause him to delete me from his life. I was bothered that it even bothered me. Something so small and stupid as a social networking site signified something so huge and he didn't even have the nuts to come and speak to me about it. What could I have possibly done to merit this exodus without so much as an explanation? What happened to "Will and Grace"?
My mind drifts back to the last vivid memory I have of hanging out with Tyson...he had finally decided to return his empty beer bottle collection and about $20 worth of his collection had been taking up space in my storage unit in the basement for a couple of months. He knocked on my apartment door and I immediately knew who it was from the familiar rapping. He was all out of breath. Hair all messed up. Sweaty. Wearing the same T-shirt I was sure he wore three days before that when I was at his apartment smoking and swearing on his couch while he played video games. I opened my storage unit for him and watched as he loaded up the bed of his buddy's truck with what I guessed was $150 in glass bottle returns. Giving nothing away that something was bothering him. No inkling whatsoever. That was the last time I saw him.
I must have missed something. Scanning my memory banks, I recalled the night a couple days prior to that last encounter. Yes I was sitting on his couch venting about something....but what was it?? Was it something important? Did something I said that night piss him off?? Think, Leila! What was the topic of that last smoking-on-the-couch-and-swearing session? Then it hit me.
"He'll never be any different! People like him just don't change!"
I had just started seeing Craig and was confiding in Tyson all the things about him that I could never tell Pheobe. All the things that only Tyson could possibly understand--only he obviously didn't understand. Craig has a little bit of a shady past. A past full of violence and addiction. Things that Tyson had dealt with in the past I knew. Tyson had put in his two cents here and there, but gave nothing away that he was actually angered by my attraction to Craig.
"I can see the attraction in a sense. I can see that you want someone to toss you around and fuck the hell out of you and yes, Craig is a great choice. I think you need more than that. He is dangerous, Leila."
I didn't take his words seriously and maybe that was the cause of the problem. Thinking back over it all, there was another exchange with Tyson since then.
We had gotten into an argument over the wireless signals in the building and how I had bought a password from a neighbor and had swore not to share it. They specifically made me swear not to share it with Tyson and when I refused to give it to him, he snapped. Surely this wasn't about a stupid Internet password, was it? No. It couldn't be. Come on, Leila. You really should quit smoking so that maybe you could remember things!! Oh yes. It had escalated that day in the hallway. He told me that things were changing and he didn't like it. He told me that he didn't like the choices I was making or the person I was becoming. At the time I thought he was crazy and this was just going to be another one of our 'off-weeks.' Afterall, in my opinion, Tyson was the one changing, not me. Tyson was hardly around anymore. He was going through a bunch of shit with his ex and fighting for custody of his daughter. He changed a lot during that time. Suddenly, Tyson's words rang loud and clear in my memory.
"Don't come crying to me when he beats the hell out of you and you see that I was right from the start! I can't stand the thought of that happening, but you obviously don't give a flying fuck about yourself!"
How could I have so easily forgotten that exchange? THAT was the last time that I spoke with Tyson.


Be a dear and don't forget to feed the fish on your way out!