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Just happened to wake up in the best mood possible today!! I'm just happy. No other way to put it. Extremely happy.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the frogs are croaking......just beautiful out.
This morning, I went to Baristas (yes, the costume coffee place where the girls are in lingerie) and she gave me a discount on my coffee because I'm happy and she's happy and my birthday is tomorrow. Then, I get to work and I beat all the technicians in so that means it was nice and quiet while I went through emails and messages (ultra bonus). Jose came in and gave me some lottery scratch offs for my birthday. I almost scratched them with a penny because that is all I had in my desk drawer, but then I heard my great-grandfather's voice telling me that it is bad luck to scratch a ticket with anything other than a quarter. So, I went to the cash box and borrowed a quarter. I won $10 on the first one and $2 on the second one. Thanks, Papa!!!
Craig is continuing with the suspicious, ambiguity in his behavior, so I can only imagine it has something to do with my birthday this weekend.
Carter woke up in a great mood, so that made the morning rush more pleasant, and he didn't even cry when I dropped him off at daycare/school this morning. That usually makes my morning rough: sneaking out while my son is crying and reaching for me.....ugh! But that wasn't the case today and I am going to focus on the positive.
Yup!! Overall, I'm a happy-go-lucky-woman today!!! :)
I've come to the conclusion that I need to work on my physical self in my 30's. That is my ultimate goal and I am so serious this time, I'm not even going to crack a joke about it. I'm a mother now. I need to be around for at least 30 more years and in good health. I'm tired of aching feet, legs and body. I'm only going to be 30 and I feel like I'm 70. If Craig and I ever get married, I want to be proud to display my wedding photos and not be ashamed of them and put them away in a photo album in the back of the closet. I want to be a beautiful bride, not a whale in a dress who looks all out of proportion.
I want to be able to help Carter if he decides to play sports when he's older. Even before that, I want to be able to chase him on the playground in this horrible Florida heat without collapsing and sweating to death.
I give all my friends constant encouragement and dieting ideas when they hit their breaking points, but I never follow through with it my damn self. I hope that I can receive the same kind of support system that I dole out now that I may need it.
I'm not going to become obsessed with numbers and scales, but I am going to just be healthier overall.
My dreaded birthday is this Saturday. Why is it so dreaded? Simply put: I will be the ripe old age of 30. Seriously. I'm about to be freaking 30 and I'm no further ahead in my career than I was when I was in my early 20's or even late teen's other than an additional decade of experience in doing the exact same thing I've always done. I haven't gone back and completed college. I don't have a degree. I'm not waiting to hear from the job-of-my-dreams for a callback interview. I don't own a house. I barely own a car.
Where did I go wrong? I had such a promising future back in high school. I was the one that was going to make it. I was going to go the distance.
Well, let's take a moment to focus on the positive, then, eh?
** I did succeed in getting out of the wretched, farm town I grew up in. Never had to go back since graduation. Okay. Score.
** I'm not stuck waiting tables at a diner trying to make ends meet. Score.
** I may not have a college degree, but I have a decent paying job that I am good at and the higher ups appreciate me. Score.
** Despite the odds working against me in being from that putrid small town, I didn't end up a single mother with four kids at the age of 25. Score.
** I do have an amazing son that teaches me more about myself all the time even though he is 18 months. Score. Score. Score.
** I am involved with someone that accepts me for who I am, doesn't beat me, doesn't cheat on me, appreciates me, and doesn't have a substance abuse problem. Quadruple Score.
** I did manage to move 1,500 miles from that horrible, closed-minded place I grew up in (which is a thousand times further than most people I went to school with.). SCORE!!!!
You know what?? I MADE IT! I made it to 30! There have been some hella obstacles along the way, but here I am. Stronger than I was. Wiser than I once was. Constantly moving forward and staying happy.
Screw this horrible mood: I'M HAPPY! I'M EXCITED! THIRTY DOESN'T SCARE ME! THIRTY IS JUST ANOTHER NUMBER; ANOTHER ACCOMPLISHMENT IN MY LIFE.
'I Made It'
Kevin Rudolph
"I look up to the sky
and now the World is mine
Ive known it all my life
I made it, I made it!
I used to dream about, the life Im living now
I know that theres no doubt.
I made it, I made it!
Known from the city where no one believed in me
but I never give up the fight.
Ya, but now on top.
I told you to let it rock
The moneys fallin from the sky-y-y-y-y
I made it.
I look up to the sky
and now the World is mine
Ive known it all my life
I made it, I made it!
I used to dream about, the life Im living now
I know that theres no doubt.
I made it, I made it!"
I don't know what is going on with me lately, but it needs to stop, like now!
I have ZERO motivation for anything. I'm feeling neglected by Craig. Going through the motions of feeling like nothing I do is ever going to be "enough." Our lease is almost up and I have had no luck in finding another place to go. My son is reaching his "Terrible Twos" and I am so OVER all the tantrum throwing and I know this has just begun as he is only 19 months.
I can't sleep at night because I'm so stressed out. I feel like all the responsibility of our everyday life is pushed solely on me and Craig doesn't share any of it. I hate that every time he is upset, he bottles it instead of talking to me about it. How is that productive? We are suppose to be a team and it feels like we are both playing solo. How can I fix it when I don't even know what I am doing wrong?
I feel like our relationship is stuck in a rut in every way possible. He has been talking about getting married lately, and I'm not even sure why he would want to marry me. It seems like all we do is argue and fight about everything.
I'm just tired of feeling like crap lately and not really knowing why or how to fix it. Maybe I just need some meds or something......oh well.....thanks for reading.....I guess.......
