Looking towards brighter days.

Dear Year 2009,

I'm writing this letter knowing that you will never read it.

Tonight the clock will strike 12 and you will be no more than a memory.

I cannot wait for this.

You have held so much hurt and confusion for me.

You have taught me so many things--

Things about me, about life, and things I thought I already knew.

Spending the last 365 days with you were indescribable.

I lost my best friend and lover.

I found my new best friend even though she was there the whole time.

I lost Joey and didn't even know until it was too late.

I found strength I didn't even know I had.

I lost my mind.

I found myself.

You brought many people back into my life that I had forgotten.

365 days. That's a long time considering that I cannot remember over half of them.

Yes. Tonight I will let that all go.

I will throw it in the bonfire with the left over unwanted Christmas trees and watch it all go up in flames and smoke.

I am looking forward to a great 2010 and all the wonderful adventures and experiences it will hold for me!

Yup. You, 2009, and all that you represent are now nothing more but a distant memory. I will be so relieved when you are gone.

Thanks for the memories even though they weren't that great!

*~*Leila*~*

Dwelling in the past

Been thinking about things a lot lately...why can't I just get over you? Every time I think that I can move on, I hear a song on the radio and it makes me miss being with you. This morning, I heard "The Truth" by Jason Aldean and I lost it. Just started crying.
"Tell em all I'm on vacation. Say I went to visit friends--that you ain't heard or seen from me in quite a while. When they ask you where I've been, tell em I'm out on the west coast where it don't ever rain and that I'm probably doing fine. Just don't tell em I've gone crazy--that I'm still strung out over you. Tell em anything you want to just don't tell em all the truth. Yeah don't tell em all the truth. I still need you. Yeah that's the truth. I still love you, Baby that's the truth."
I'm just so lonely without you. I've done some dating and it's just not the same. You know so much about me. I'm not use to someone not being able to look me in the eyes and know what I'm thinking. I've never been good at saying what I mean to say, but you always knew what was going on. We had that special connection from the start of our relationship. I wish that you would just hurry up and grow up so that we could make it work. I know you have it in you....I just wish you could see what I see when I look at you.
Remember all those times hanging out in your kitchen when we first met? All the times that we read each other's thoughts? The time when I kept "making" you kiss me while you were telling me a story just by looking at you? The card tricks? That's the "you" that I fell in love with. That's the "you" that I miss so much. You changed for the worse after that and lost that part of you. Sometimes, when we talk, I can still catch a glimpse of that person and that's what I hold onto. That is what I held onto for the last two years of our relationship. I was in love with what we could have been not what we actually were. I keep flip-flopping on this issue. One week I'm totally over you and then next week, you are all that I can think about. Maybe I should have let you move. Maybe I shouldn't have talked you into sticking around. Maybe I should just let you go and stop seeing you all together. That seems the logical solution, right? Just the thought of not knowing what's going on with you drives me nuts. I'm always so concerned about you. Will I ever truly get over you? Will I always carry a torch for you in hopes that someday you will snap out of your funk and realize that you want me and I AM worth the effort and change?

Just more confusing thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis. Oh well. Thanks for stopping by and don't forget to be a dear and feed the fish on your way out!!

*~*Leila*~*

Alone on a cold, dreary evening.

Ever since I heard this song, I just imagine it playing while we lay in bed holding each other. I cannot explain the connection that I feel with you. We have never actually "met" in our adult lives yet you consume a lot of my thoughts. I think that we have a lot in common and could get lost within each other. Maybe it's the girl in me, but I think that we would do well if given the opportunity. You know what I mean. The more I talk to you, the more I realize that you and I have so much in common. I read the things you write and I think, "God...he gets it! He gets me!" How can someone that is so distant from me and so uninvolved in my life share the same views and feelings on things? Why does it feel that when I read your writings, you are in my head? Why is it after speaking with you I just want to be near you? We talk about mundane things but yet I cannot get enough of our conversations. Nothing personal is ever really discussed and I feel like we've known each other for more than a lifetime.



Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight I throw myself into
And out of the red,
out of her head
she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head,
out of her head
she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head
I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

This is the result of "What is the symbol of your personality"

Bountiful Basket
You are very loved. Everyone finds you a welcoming, warm person. They look to you for advice and comfort, and someone to just have a good time with. Your personality is seen as cliche and average, but in truth, you have talents and skills and ideas that no one has thought of before. You are someone with style. You are good with colors, and you know how to color people's worlds and minds to your way. You think new relationships are a coloring book, to fill them in with fulfilling conversations and meetings. You may seem nice and perfect and beautiful, you have a policy of "forgive but never forget". You always remember your enemies if you have any, and you know where to steer. Sometimes, when you're completely lost, you are dependent on friends for help. You hope they'll be there for you, but sometimes you fear that they won't be. That is something you are afraid of. You are ready to give, but you are also ready to accept. To many, it seems like you change your personality just for different people, but in fact, you are the one thing that's not changing. Other people grow on you, and grow fond of you, not the other way around. You are always yourself, and you are definite.

Thursday's Playlist:

"Someday" by Rob Thomas
"Who Says" by John Mayer
"Morning Song" by Jewel
"Come Back To Bed" by John Mayer
"Near You Always" by Jewel
"(Just Like) Starting Over" by John Lennon
"All The Right Moves" by OneRepublic
"Say" by John Mayer
"Foolish Games" by Jewel
"Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas
"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" by John Mayer
"Stronger Woman" by Jewel
"Here Comes The Sun" Rob Thomas Cover
"Waiting On The World To Change" by John Mayer
"Free Fallin'" John Mayer Cover
"Intuition" by Jewel
"Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon
"Daughters" by John Mayer
"Have a Little Faith In Me" Jewel Cover
"I'm Gonna Find Another You" by John Mayer
"Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon

To William:

Totally lost in the maze
I search for a beacon in the haze.
Something to guide me where to go.
Someone to share all the things they know.
Looking for a post on which to lean.
Trying to forget all that I have seen.
Clarity is all I desire
To emulsify this fire
That burns down deep within my soul.
Trying once again to be whole.
I desperately need a hand to hold
To help me when I need to be bold.
Amongst the confusion, I see your face.
Please come save me--get me out of this place.
I need your warmth, it's cold an drafty.
My demons inside are getting crafty.
I can't face them on my own.
I'm terrified to be left alone.
All the pain and insecurity
Suddenly washes over me.
Why can't we just get this right?
I don't think I can win this fight.
My heart is left with pieces shattered
As I realize that I never mattered.
To you I gave all of my heart
In hopes you and I would never part.
You played with me these silly games.
I'm just another line on your list of names
Of places you can call your home
When you no longer wish to roam.
I will not be around when you return.
You need to feel your desires burn.
In the end, I am just me.
Blinded by you I could not see
The Woman I harbor deep inside.
She no longer needs to hide.
Without you I am just as strong.
I could do it all along.
Looking back, I finally see
That you were never there for me.
I was there to light your way.
I was there to always say
"Lean on me, I'll hold you up."
Always there to fill your cup
With words and love and honesty.
Yet, you never did the same for me.
The love we had was all one sided.
How did I become so misguided?
I'm better off all by myself.
Way up high upon the shelf
Is where I'll keep my former being.
The girl that had the trouble seeing
Past the lies and all deceit--
She was too easy to defeat.
I'll keep her there as a reminder
To find someone that is much kinder.
That is what I truly deserve.
Never again will I lose my nerve
To always put myself first
even when it hurts the worst.
I have to look after me
to be the Me I need to be.



I haven't written anything since I started my relationship with you, William. Five years of my adult life I spent trying to be the perfect partner for you and in that I lost myself. I have realized that it wasn't me that you fell for, you wanted someone you could mold and manipulate into what you wanted and you saw that weakness in me. Well, here I stand today to tell you that I have found myself again and I will no longer play your games. I'm over it and you should be as well. I do not need your validation as it was never worth anything anyway. I need to look out for me and to be me and do whatever it takes to keep the me I love alive. I am stronger than I could have ever imagined and I can do this all with0ut you...

Is it too late to apologize?

I am sooo very sorry. Too many crazy things going on right now. I have severe blogger's block. I am unable to write more than a paragraph at a time. I'm half tempted to just combine all the paragraphs into one post and see what happens as a result. My mind is a maze of thoughts. I start to travel down one passage of thought and it takes turn after turn and then SLAM! right into a dead end. All of a sudden there is nothing....the thought just ends.

I haven't been sleeping at all. Maybe an hour or two. I was blaming it on the double shifts I was pulling there for awhile but that cannot be the cause as I haven't worked a double in over a week. I just lay in bed and think. Back to the maze of thoughts up there. So, then I try to write things down so that I can deal with them in the morning, but that doesn't seem to work either. All I want is a solid night's sleep. The last few nights, I have been spending an ungodly amount of hours IM-ing and texting other night owls. That never leads to anything good as we both should really be asleep and not keeping each other awake. But who am I kidding by saying that? If I wasn't talking to them, I would be doing something else to pass the time. Oh what time has been passed! Just last night I started a late night conversation and it didn't end until 7:00 this morning! Maybe I'll get things figured out....until then, is it too late to apologize for my utter lack of blogging?

Boys and Their Games

I'm beginning to think that maybe I am wrong about men. Maybe they aren't as able to separate relationships and sex as easily as I had originally thought. My first experiment with this was with Leo and we all know how that one turned out---he went window-shopping downtown and casually bumped into the woman of his dreams leaving me a brokenhearted mess sobbing in my coffee. What you don't know is that he came back to me a week later and apologized citing that he had never taken my feelings into consideration nor had he realized that he had feelings for me as well. He "missed" me and wished there was someway he could make it up to me and then shot me that stupid sexy smile of his that makes my heart melt. This time something miraculous happened---my heart didn't melt. Instead, it was shot full of adrenaline and I cruelly laughed at him and told him that this ship of mistakes had sailed out with the Autumn winds over the bay. I told him to get on with his life as I had no room for his lies and self-centered ways. It felt good to see him feel the pain that I had felt when he so carelessly brushed me to the side to pursue Madam Wonderful and all her Perfection. What got me the most about this is the fact that he and she are a couple at this point. He posts daily that he is truly in love with her and never wants this feeling to end. If that is true, WTF is he doing at my door?!?! Simple: he will always want that which he cannot obtain. He likes the cat and mouse game of it all and then is upset when the mouse no longer has a desire to be caught. The cat is now wondering what he missed out on in having a better relationship with the mouse as he has developed emotions and feelings for said mouse. Well, too bad! This mouse has found some cheese that is not perched atop a wood and steel slab waiting to annihilate her.

Thanks for stopping by and don't forget to be a dear and feed the fish on the way out!

*~*Leila*~*