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May 2, 2015, Craig and I were married. It went by so quickly. I remember standing in our hotel room that night, my Maid of Honor (Pheobe) was with Craig and I. The two of them were fumbling with all the gazillion buttons on the back of my dress and I just stood there, like, in awe. A whole year of planning and it felt like it was over in less than 10 minutes.
As most brides do, I was late walking down the aisle. The ceremony didn't go as planned. The minister cut my Dad's only part of the ceremony. The whole, "Who gives this bride to this man?" part....didn't even happen. Ah well. It is what it is. I cried through the entire ceremony. Tears of happiness. I stood there in front of most of my family, his family and our friends and made a vow to love and support this wonderful man for the rest of my life.
Even this morning, just a glance at his wedding band makes my heart beat faster. This man is my husband. We are going to be together forever. He loves me. I love him. There is no one, anywhere in the world, that I would rather spend my life with. Through it all, he loves me. He sees me for what I am and he loves me anyway.
What more could you want in life?!?!
Where do I begin? Last Saturday, I turned 30. Woke up just like it was another day and Craig had bought me a coffee mug for my birthday. Yeah. That was a nice, thoughtful gift. After smothering Carter with kisses, I got dressed for the day and my parents took us out to a little, outdoor cafe for breakfast. We ate our yummy, delicious breakfasts and drank a few mimosas and, feeling a little buzz, I looked over to Craig. He was being rather quiet and seemed a little distant. I started razzing him a little bit about what I thought was his need for a cigarette. He has been promising to quit and since I had a few drinks, I took the opportunity to give him a little grief and said, "You don't need another cigarette. You just had one before we ate and Carter wants you to be around for HIS 30th birthday. I think you can go without it." Then, Craig seemed like he was looking deep, deep into me and said, "I know I'm hard to live with...." and stopped suddenly as his eyes welled up with tears. Thinking we were about to get into an argument about smoking, I immediately brushed his cheek with my hand and apologized for my comment and he pushed my hand away.
"I know I'm hard to live with, but you and Carter are my world and I love you both so much...." he paused, dropped to one knee, pulled a little black box out of his pocket and said, "Will you be my wife?"
I could not even attempt to stop the flood of happy tears pouring from my eyes. Inside the box was the most perfect ring that I could ever imagine. A solitaire 1/2 carat diamond set in a white gold band; just my style.
OF COURSE I SAID "YES"!!! Did you really even have to ask, guys?? Seriously??
When all the excitement and cheers from the other customers had subsided, we paid the bill and headed back across the bridge to look at a home for rent as the lease is up soon.
Cute little mobile home in a gated community with a pool and very affordable. We walked through and I fell in love with it. Two bedrooms, two full baths, spacious kitchen, pet friendly, 2 playgrounds and of course the pool! Where do I sign the lease?!?!
The next day, Craig and I went to a hotel in a city about 45 minutes away to celebrate my birthday alone. Carter stayed at home with my parents and the babysitter, Allie. It had been awhile since we were able to cut loose and drink together so, we walked around town drinking at every bar we could before calling my brother for a ride back. In my drunken state, I hadn't realized that we were, literally only 2 blocks from our hotel at that point. Oh well! At least I didn't have to stumble for those two blocks!! :)
The next morning, (Memorial Day) we had breakfast, checked out of the hotel and headed home to relax before returning to the grind the following day.
My head was such aflutter with all the excitement that the week flew by. We had dropped my ring off for sizing on Saturday, so I hadn't even announced on any social media networking sites. I wanted to wait until it was back home on my finger before telling people. Of course, I texted a few people ahead of time! I couldn't wait to tell Phoebe!!
In the meantime, we decided to not only take the place that we had looked at on Saturday, but we were going to buy it! That's right! We now are engaged and own a home!!!!!
What a whirlwind of a week it has been!!!!!!!!!
Just happened to wake up in the best mood possible today!! I'm just happy. No other way to put it. Extremely happy.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the frogs are croaking......just beautiful out.
This morning, I went to Baristas (yes, the costume coffee place where the girls are in lingerie) and she gave me a discount on my coffee because I'm happy and she's happy and my birthday is tomorrow. Then, I get to work and I beat all the technicians in so that means it was nice and quiet while I went through emails and messages (ultra bonus). Jose came in and gave me some lottery scratch offs for my birthday. I almost scratched them with a penny because that is all I had in my desk drawer, but then I heard my great-grandfather's voice telling me that it is bad luck to scratch a ticket with anything other than a quarter. So, I went to the cash box and borrowed a quarter. I won $10 on the first one and $2 on the second one. Thanks, Papa!!!
Craig is continuing with the suspicious, ambiguity in his behavior, so I can only imagine it has something to do with my birthday this weekend.
Carter woke up in a great mood, so that made the morning rush more pleasant, and he didn't even cry when I dropped him off at daycare/school this morning. That usually makes my morning rough: sneaking out while my son is crying and reaching for me.....ugh! But that wasn't the case today and I am going to focus on the positive.
Yup!! Overall, I'm a happy-go-lucky-woman today!!! :)
I've come to the conclusion that I need to work on my physical self in my 30's. That is my ultimate goal and I am so serious this time, I'm not even going to crack a joke about it. I'm a mother now. I need to be around for at least 30 more years and in good health. I'm tired of aching feet, legs and body. I'm only going to be 30 and I feel like I'm 70. If Craig and I ever get married, I want to be proud to display my wedding photos and not be ashamed of them and put them away in a photo album in the back of the closet. I want to be a beautiful bride, not a whale in a dress who looks all out of proportion.
I want to be able to help Carter if he decides to play sports when he's older. Even before that, I want to be able to chase him on the playground in this horrible Florida heat without collapsing and sweating to death.
I give all my friends constant encouragement and dieting ideas when they hit their breaking points, but I never follow through with it my damn self. I hope that I can receive the same kind of support system that I dole out now that I may need it.
I'm not going to become obsessed with numbers and scales, but I am going to just be healthier overall.
My dreaded birthday is this Saturday. Why is it so dreaded? Simply put: I will be the ripe old age of 30. Seriously. I'm about to be freaking 30 and I'm no further ahead in my career than I was when I was in my early 20's or even late teen's other than an additional decade of experience in doing the exact same thing I've always done. I haven't gone back and completed college. I don't have a degree. I'm not waiting to hear from the job-of-my-dreams for a callback interview. I don't own a house. I barely own a car.
Where did I go wrong? I had such a promising future back in high school. I was the one that was going to make it. I was going to go the distance.
Well, let's take a moment to focus on the positive, then, eh?
** I did succeed in getting out of the wretched, farm town I grew up in. Never had to go back since graduation. Okay. Score.
** I'm not stuck waiting tables at a diner trying to make ends meet. Score.
** I may not have a college degree, but I have a decent paying job that I am good at and the higher ups appreciate me. Score.
** Despite the odds working against me in being from that putrid small town, I didn't end up a single mother with four kids at the age of 25. Score.
** I do have an amazing son that teaches me more about myself all the time even though he is 18 months. Score. Score. Score.
** I am involved with someone that accepts me for who I am, doesn't beat me, doesn't cheat on me, appreciates me, and doesn't have a substance abuse problem. Quadruple Score.
** I did manage to move 1,500 miles from that horrible, closed-minded place I grew up in (which is a thousand times further than most people I went to school with.). SCORE!!!!
You know what?? I MADE IT! I made it to 30! There have been some hella obstacles along the way, but here I am. Stronger than I was. Wiser than I once was. Constantly moving forward and staying happy.
Screw this horrible mood: I'M HAPPY! I'M EXCITED! THIRTY DOESN'T SCARE ME! THIRTY IS JUST ANOTHER NUMBER; ANOTHER ACCOMPLISHMENT IN MY LIFE.
'I Made It'
Kevin Rudolph
"I look up to the sky
and now the World is mine
Ive known it all my life
I made it, I made it!
I used to dream about, the life Im living now
I know that theres no doubt.
I made it, I made it!
Known from the city where no one believed in me
but I never give up the fight.
Ya, but now on top.
I told you to let it rock
The moneys fallin from the sky-y-y-y-y
I made it.
I look up to the sky
and now the World is mine
Ive known it all my life
I made it, I made it!
I used to dream about, the life Im living now
I know that theres no doubt.
I made it, I made it!"
I don't know what is going on with me lately, but it needs to stop, like now!
I have ZERO motivation for anything. I'm feeling neglected by Craig. Going through the motions of feeling like nothing I do is ever going to be "enough." Our lease is almost up and I have had no luck in finding another place to go. My son is reaching his "Terrible Twos" and I am so OVER all the tantrum throwing and I know this has just begun as he is only 19 months.
I can't sleep at night because I'm so stressed out. I feel like all the responsibility of our everyday life is pushed solely on me and Craig doesn't share any of it. I hate that every time he is upset, he bottles it instead of talking to me about it. How is that productive? We are suppose to be a team and it feels like we are both playing solo. How can I fix it when I don't even know what I am doing wrong?
I feel like our relationship is stuck in a rut in every way possible. He has been talking about getting married lately, and I'm not even sure why he would want to marry me. It seems like all we do is argue and fight about everything.
I'm just tired of feeling like crap lately and not really knowing why or how to fix it. Maybe I just need some meds or something......oh well.....thanks for reading.....I guess.......
I was woken up by the sounds of my dear, sweet son, Carter crying. He has been sick for over a week straight. Tummy/bathroom issues (I will spare you the details. You can thank me later.). I dont really understand how Craig can sleep through it. I understand he has a hearing problem, but me getting out of bed, turning on the hall light, running a bath, a screaming toddler or even the smell of Carter's latest digestive issue coming from the boy's room didnt wake him up!! Im at my witts end with this stomach virus Carter seems to have contracted. He had a sinus and ear infection so he was put on antibiotics. That is when it started, really. I assumed it was from the meds. Within days, he started really cutting some molars on both sides on the top. Thought that was adding to it. Then, a horrible stomach virus attacked the house: vomitting, etc. He got it first, then me, then my mom, followed by Craig and my dad. When I finally seemed to kick the bug, it concerned me that Carter was still having issues. Now it doesnt seem like there is an end in sight. Ive tried everything I can think of: yogurt, bananas, cheese, taking away juice from his diet....nothing. Hes been drinking pedialyte, water and milk for days. No change. I actually think it has gotten worse. We are going away on a mini family getaway vacation starting this afternoon. Its a resort with a waterpark. This is going to be horrible. I was going to make Carter a doctor appointment for Monday, but since this early morning episode has occurred, Im seriously thinking I should try to get him in today and even worse, cancel the prepaid, nonrefundable trip. This sucks. I hate it when my boy is sick. I dont get much sleep because Im up worrying about him all night. Tonight was the first time he had an issue in his sleep....man it was EVERYWHERE. I thought for sure I was going to vomit all over!!!! Ugh. Being a mom sure has it's nasty moments.......
Be sure to feed the fish on the way out. Thanks.
