Compilation of my mind...

HHmmm...Whatcha say? That you only meant well? Well of course you did. HHmmm...Whatcha say? Hhmmm?? That it's all for the best? Of course it is--But what did SHE say? You see, you and I could write a bad romance. I don't wanna be friends. You can see my heart beating. You can see it through my chest. I'm not going to write you a love song or meet you halfway. I've taken my heart to the limit already. How many times can I break till I shatter? If you only knew you couldn't have loved me better. We were never meant for do or die. We were always meant to say goodbye. I know that you loved me and we both see that you were meant for me and I was meant for you. And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all. I don't know who I am with out you. All I know is that I should.

"Hide and Seek" --Immogen Heap, "Bad Romance" --Lady Gaga, "Russian Roulette" --Rihanna, "Love Song" --Sara Barellias, "Meet Me Halfway" --Black Eyed Peas, "Shattered" --O.A.R., "If You Only Knew" --Shinedown, "Already Gone" --Kelly Clarkson, "You Were Meant For Me" --Jewel, "Where I Stood" --Missy Higgins

Carpe Diem!

today i put on my jingle bell anklet, my clogs, a long flowy skirt and my "jenni" necklace. i feel very carefree today. i just want this feeling to last forever. i could care less what anyone else has to say about it---today is a great day! i love the rain. i love the way it smells. i love the way it feels on my skin and i love walking through the grass barefoot after it's done. today is the day i throw caution to the wind! i refuse to play by the rules! you only live once so get out there and live!!!!

the only thing that could make this day better is a home-cooked meal.....yum yum. oh wait. what day is it? oh yeah. it's thursday! family dinner at mom and dad's. yup! today is the best day ever!

thanks for stopping by! be a dear and don't forget to feed the fish on your way out!

*~*leila*~*

All that glitters is not always gold.....

I orignally posted this to my FB page a few weeks ago....

Laying in bed at night is when I miss you the most. I miss the pillow talk whispering as we fall asleep. I miss the inadvertant snuggling under the blankets--you know what I mean...where your body just happens to find mine and we become entangled in each other. I miss hearing your rythmic breathing next to me. You would always pull me in so tight while sleeping when we would spoon......He can't replace that. His touch will never be as soft or gentle. His kiss will never be as sincere. His body will never be as warm and comforting. He knows this. He understands when I pull away. He accepts that he will never be comparable to us. He leaves half way through the night if he stays at all. I am left empty. More empty than when he began. I feel just a shell of what I use to be--what I use to feel. What you and I shared is untouchable. I dare not try to replace you as I will only be let down...I just search for a temporary stand-in. He is temporary. He means nothing. He serves his purpose. Do not blame him--he is innocent in this. Blame me for the anger and the hurt I saw in your eyes tonight when you found there had been another in my life. I don't do it to hurt you. I do it to hurt me. I wish you understood that. I need to move on. In order for rebirth, there must be death. Death of perfection for birth of imperfection. Perfection means nothing. Perfection is just a preface to disappointment. Perfection left me unfullfilled.

I sleep in your boxers--the boxers I stole the first time I spent the night at your house 5 years ago. I stop at the perfume counter and sample your cologne every time I go to the mall--just to smell you on my clothes again. Sometimes I leave my dishes in the sink for an extra day--I can still hear you yell at me for it. I still sleep on the extreme right side of the bed--as if you were still right there behind me...

Words of Wisdom from Ms. Nikki

you must think me an idiot. you must think me a fool. i'm not hurt anymore by you.

"I'm not Lonely "

i'm not lonely
sleeping all alone

you think i'm scared
but i'm a big girl
i don't cry
or anything

i have a great big bed
to roll around
in and lots of space
and i don't dream
bad dreams
like i used
to have that you
were leaving me
anymore

now that you're gone
i don't dream
and no matter
what you think
i'm not lonely
sleeping
all alone

-- Nikki Giovanni

Single-dom

Recent events have made me do a lot of thinking today. For those of you that know me really well are aware that thinking done on lack of sleep hardly ever works out positively for me. I need to figure me out all over again. I mean, I am happy being single. I like not having to answer to someone else when it comes to doing what I want. I love that there is no jealous person waiting at home to grill me the moment I walk through the door. I like the freedom. I hate the loneliness though. About 95% of all my friends are married so that usually leaves me on the outs at parties and social events. I've also noticed changes in my so-called friends since I've entered the single world. It's no secret that I get along better with guys. Until William, all my friends were guys. Well, being part of a couple meant that now all my friends were married. When I was with William, there never seemed to be an issue if I went out with just the boys. I was usually the only girl hanging out in the tool shed out back with the guys while all the wives were in the house gossiping and tending to the children. I hate to gossip and I do not have any children so I was usually just standing there, drink in hand, wishing I was outside as I didn't really have any input whatsoever on the discussions taking place in the kitchen. Now, out in the shed/garage....that's where I felt most comfortable. I was in on the conversations about poker, hockey, cars, building stuff, working on broken stuff...the "guy" talk. That was my element---no real drama. None of the "I-can't-believe-that-slut-wore-white-on-her-wedding-day" conversations or discussions of the "proper way" to raise your children. Nope. None of that crap for me! Everyone knew I was a TomBoy and it was understood that's where I would rather be and everyone was okay with that. Or so I thought. There were several occasions where I would jump in the truck and ride up to the store on a beer run with one of the guys. Or go check a deer plot. Or go hit the trails. Just me and one of the boys. Whatever.

Recently, however, it has come to my attention that the females of the group feel differently about me now that I am single. It is no longer okay for me to opt to hang out in the shed instead of the kitchen. It is no longer okay for me to take off with one of the boys. I understand the whole "abstain from the appearance of evil" and all that jazz but come on! Seriously?!?! Yeah. This is not all in my head either. The words, "Well, it's different now that you're single" have actually been spoken to me on more than one occasion. I'm left feeling like crap. So, basically, all you bitches never trusted me in the first place. You just trusted that I wouldn't cheat on William. Now that I am single, it becomes clear that you didn't really trust me then and you sure as hell don't trust me now. WTF?!?!

Anyways, back to the issue at hand--me being single and what I actually want. I think I am way too busy to take on a relationship but I hate spending my nights alone. I hate being the third or fifth wheel in a group. I hate that at social events, I am either all by myself or spending the week scanning my "friends lists" trying to find a "plus one" to take to said event. So what am I to do about it? What do I want? What is it that I seek in a partner? Well, I thought I had it made with Leo (the prior mentioned FWB) but I now see that was a mistake from the start. NOTE TO SELF: When choosing an FWB in the future, do not select one with whom you have already had a romantic past. Not going to work out well. Emotions end up getting involved and apparently neither party knows how to act in these situations and someone (in this case me) ends up getting hurt and pissed off. One of the last nights I had with Leo made me realize just how much I miss being a couple with someone. Spending the night wrapped in his arms and waking up to see his smile has left me pining for a warm body in the middle of the night. Not just in the middle of the night I guess. I miss cuddling on the couch watching TV. Taking long drives on days off. Getting "lost" in the woods and pulling over when "it" couldn't wait until we got home. **SIGH**

I'm usually attracted to the "John Mayer" or "Jason Mraz" or "Johnny Depp" types, but sometimes feel like I'm just fronting to be with them. I went out on a few dates with one artist/musician/hippie and found myself having a good time----at first. Quickly I found that I couldn't bring much to the conversations as I enjoy being a carnivore, cut down trees for bonfires, drive a gas-guzzler and listen to country music. I like the sensitive side they have but I guess I still want a 'manly' man. I want tattoos and eyebrow rings. I want dirty, grease-covered hands. I want defined upper arms and a beer belly. I want a man that wears his baseball hat backwards and might have something from his last meal lingering in his goatee/beard. I want a man straight out of a Jason Aldean or Tim McGraw song. I want that life! I want to take a ride on your big green tractor. I want you to write a song about me. I want a man to come home after a long day of manual labor and want nothing more but to be with me. I want that. I really do. Underneath the gaudy jewelry and the make-up is a redneck woman deep inside me longing to own a mediocre home with a front yard that I can stand barefoot in and holler at my children playing in their tree house in the great big oak on the corner of the property. I want that stupid, rusty, broken-down, hunk of junk tractor sitting in the backyard. I want at least two dogs and a cat tracking mud through my kitchen with the kids as they all file in for dinner. It all sounds perfect to me. Why can't I find that? Where is the man that is going to make my head turn and tilt to one side? Why do I give myself a million reasons to turn and run when someone does show me a little bit of positive attention? Why can't I just allow myself to let someone in my life that might actually want me for me and not the front that I put up? What is so bad about living in lower-middle class trying to make ends meet? Why does that scare the crap out of me and excite me at the same time? I want real love! I want a love like my parents share! Those two are so happy-in-love with each other after all this time that it makes me wanna puke. The other day I stopped by my parent's house unannounced and found my dad sitting in his chair in the living room and my mom in the kitchen making his dinner. You wanna know what it was that made me smile the most about this scenario? My mom was walking around in jeans and a T-shirt that read "My Husband Rocks" across the chest. They are so happy to be together. It wouldn't matter if they lived in a mansion on a hill or in a cardboard box picking food out of a garbage can. As long as they were together, they would be ecstatically happy.

I guess in all of this I really do want a relationship. I'm just not that happy being single--despite the freedom. I feel like I am forever in the pursuit of something more. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Oh well, such is life.

Thanks for stopping by! Be a dear and don't forget to feed the fish on your way out!

*~*Leila*~*

Tired of working and then there's Pheobe

I am beginning the most treacherous of work-weeks yet. I am starting by working a midnight shift until 7am at one job followed by a 10a-4p at my other job--followed by another 11p-7a followed by another 10a-4p followed by another 10a-4p and 10a-4p and two other 11p-7a shifts....I am going to be dead on my feet by the time the weekend rolls around.....
Pheobe's birthday is next Tuesday and I am broke as a joke. I know she's going to tell me not to worry about it as that is how she is but I can't just not worry about it. Pheobe is my BFF and I have never had a female BFF before her so that makes this friendship that more special. It IS on a Tuesday so I know we won't be doing anything too crazy. Maybe we'll go out over the weekend. The Thursday after her birthday is Thanksgiving so that weekend is probably out of the picture as well as far as a big, huge, shin-dig goes. I digress.....back to the issue at hand: what to get Pheobe for her birthday......not a clue. What kind of gift says, "You are the best person ever! Thanks for being there for all my drama this year! You rock! Hope we truly are friends forever! Happy Birthday!!" ??? Yeah, I'm coming up empty too. It would be easier if I had more fund-age. I HATE being broke! Even though I am working hellacious schedules, I am still behind in the cash line....
So...Pheobe. Pheobe is the single most loyal person I have ever known. She does whatever she can to help out but not to the degree where it would jeopardize her life. She maintains her level-headedness. I know I can tell her anything and she will not repeat it. She's always there to listen and only offers advice when she knows that I will hear it. Some days I know that she is the only one that understands me. Sometimes Tyson tries to listen and I have to tell him that I love him but he is no Pheobe. To sum it up, she is the friend that everyone wants but seldom ever find. That is what makes shopping for her so extremely difficult!!
Pheobe and I met circumstantially four years ago and here we are today...almost inseperable. Sometimes I try to keep secrets from her but she knows me well enough to figure them out. Most recently, I crumbled and told her of a love affair I was having. A love affair that I was so sure I was doing a good job of covering up. On nights when I was to meet him, I would tell her I was with Tyson or going to bed early--totally buy-able excuses right? WRONG!! Turns out, Pheobe pieced the whole damn thing together! As far as I thought she knew, I never even talked to this guy! That's when you know you've found your bestie....she knows everything without you even mumbling a word about it.
Pheobe is into the "other realm" so to speak. She reads Tarot cards and has premonitions. I've listened to enough of them and watched them come true to not argue with her and what she "knows". She helped me figure out life. This is my view on life: I believe in re-incarnation. Not the typical re-incarnation. I also believe in soul-mates and these two things are directly connected. I believe that every being is placed on this earth with a mission--a list of things that being needs to accomplish or achieve before they leave the earth. If you die before achieving these things, you will continue to return and live life after life until they are finished. This also includes your soul-mate. Your soul-mate has a similar list to complete. Finding each other is one of the items on this list. You may find each other over and over again in each life but you will only remain together and happy in your final life: The life in which your list is completed. Once that has happened, you cross over into the other side and your soul is no longer. I feel as if Pheobe and I have met in previous lives and she is my "Oracle." She is my constant. My Lighthouse--always there to guide me and help me see what the hell it is that I am suppose to be doing. Her belief structure is quite similar to mine which furthers my belief in it and in her as we had never spoken about "life" in that sense. One day we did. It was right before I decided to leave William. I was sitting in her garage as I often do and we started talking about what happens when we die. I sat there in silent astonishment as she shared what she believed. It was almost identical to what I had thought about life. My theory wasn't totally complete, but what she told me helped to fill in the blanks. That was the same night she read my Tarot cards for the first time. I was in shock as I watched it play out. As she was doing the reading, some of it made total sense and other parts left me bewildered. In the following three weeks, the things that didn't make sense at the time started to play out.....it was freaky. I will never forget that night. There are many memorable moments with Pheobe. Actually, probably 90% of the great memories of the past 4 years had something to do with her I am sure...
So...what to get Pheobe????? How about a nice, warm pair of comfy socks? LOL Winter IS coming!!

Thanks for stopping by and don't forget to feed the fish on your way out!

*~*Leila*~*

"And Now I'm Left With Nothing...."

So. I started this pseudo-relationship with you. It is just a FWB situation--our little secret. Neither one of us wants a relationship. Neither of us has time for a relationship. I'm busy working two jobs and trying to stay afloat in my life and obligations. You have your children and a career that's about to take off. It is convenient. You just call or text and I will tell you yes or no. You stop by if I say yes and we have our hour of pure delight. An hour or so where we just give in to the urges and wants and desires and forget the stresses of our lives. An hour of euphoria.......
On the rare occassion I say no. Everything is cool. We just try for another day.....Life is good.
The other night I went and saw you at work. I loved the look of determination on your face as you were lost in your work--totally in your zone. Then, you looked up and saw me and the hardness of you face melted away into that heart warming smile you give me. I watched you flirt with the girls and watched them fawn over you and that didn't bother me---too much anyways. That was the deal. You have your life and I have mine but neither one matters when we are together. You would make your way through the crowds and come chat on your few breaks making sure that I was okay and having fun. I was having a good time.
After I got home, you called to see what I was up to. I'll admit that it set my head spinning to think that after all those girls were all over you and you could have had any one of them, you decided to come home to me. You meant it when you said that I was the only one you were making time for in your busy life. I thought those words were just pillow talk but I see that I was wrong. You came in, sat down and smiled that little smile at me...the smile that tells me to stop what I am doing and come spend my time on you. The same smile you gave me when I saw you at work. I began massaging your body and you laid down. My hands pawed up and down and all over your warm flesh. My fingertips grazed the skin across your broad shoulders and down your spine. You let out small whimpers and moans letting me know that I was on the right track. Our bodies intertwined as we rolled around lost in the passion of it all. I laid my head on your chest and softly ran my fingers over your torso. Your breathing steadied and you fell asleep. You woke up moments later and muttered something about needing to get home but curled up with me and fell back asleep. It was wonderful laying there in your arms. Feeling the rise and fall of your chest and your warm breath on my forehead. I had forgotten what that was like. The night progressed with several interludes of passion followed by a few peaceful moments of sleep. Finally, the sun started to poke through the drawn shades of my bedroom and we awoke again. You held me and moaned that you felt so good and didn't want to leave. You wrapped me in your warm embrace and kissed my forehead before heading out the door. You looked back at me and gave me that signature smile. I went back to bed and wrapped myself up in the sheets and breathed in the lingering smell of you left behind on my pillow. Thoughts of you filled my dreams.
Hours later I was woken up by the familiar sound of my cellphone playing your song. I opened it and read your message telling me of the wonderful morning you shared with me and how relaxed I made you feel. I rolled out of bed and quickly shot you a message simply stating that I enjoyed myself as well and was looking forward to our next rendezvous. I logged into my primary social networking site and read that you had a "spectacular day today" and my head swelled a little thinking of you and our morning together.
Going about my day, thoughts of you would sneak in and out of my mind. What was I thinking? This is a "no-strings-attached" sort of deal. I am too busy for a relationship. I don't have time for this mushy crap. I returned home and logged back into my social networking site and read the comments on your "spectacular day" post. My heart crumbled as I read that you had met someone that "really is special" and I realized that you were not honest. No matter what we shared, it's not that you don't want a relationship---you don't want a relationship with ME....ouch......that hurts.....

TYSON

We haven't known each other that long but it seems as though we have known one another for our entire existence. It wasn't until today that I found out he feels the same about us as I do. We have our weeks where we are together all day everyday followed by about a week of no contact at all other than the occasional text message of "U home?" It's like we both wake up one morning and decide that we need our space. Once that week of "space" is over, we are right back to where we left off--sitting around talking shit, playing video games and replaying the last week to each other.


Our week of play began yesterday the same way it always begins. The familiar ring tone of "Hot and Cold" permeates the silence of my bedroom as the sun peeks through my blinds. A smile sneaks across my face as I already know what it says. Regardless, I fumble around on the nightstand for my glasses and shuffle across the floor to the dresser where the cell phone lies. I open it and sure enough the familiar phrase, "1 New Message From Tyson" is displayed across the screen. I press "ok" and read what I already know, "Morning Sunshine! I want breakfast ;)" I chuckle and quickly type back, "Mornin' Sexy. I want to smoke." And so our morning text-versation begins while I search the mounds of laundry for something quick to throw on as Tyson may walk through the door at any moment. I'm not quite sure how or when we got to the "Unlocked door=Just walk in" state but I don't actually mind it that much; at least not when it's him. Often times when someone knocks on my door I call out, "Come in only if your Tyson otherwise hang on!!"


Breakfast usually turns into ordering Take-Out for lunch. We are such procrastinators. I blame the smoking. It seems that we are always so ambitious and have a plan until the moment we light that smoke and inhale that purple cloud into our lungs. As we exhale, we blow all ambition and organization out the window with the haze. Halfway through this smoking, he picks up a game controller and mutters "Watch this shit" through the corner of his mouth as he hits his cigarette. There goes the day.....he plays games and I sit and watch and smoke occasionally tossing out my two cents on his strategy. The next thing we know, it's lunchtime and we still haven't eaten.


Our relationship began as I was going through my breakup with William and he was going through a breakup with a similar yet totally different situation. We consoled each other on an almost daily basis sharing secrets that we had never shared with anyone else. Speaking words that had never before been spoken about our previous other halves. Advice was always given but rarely ever taken leading to yet another smoking on the couch and cursing session. At one moment, I had almost made the mistake of confusing what we had going on as affection but quickly dismissed it as he spoke of the girl from the night before. Some random girl from some random place--that's how he dealt with his pain. We later realized that the problem was really addiction. I had gone my entire adult life thus far replacing one addiction with another and it had appeared that Tyson had been doing the same. I had once replaced my alcohol addiction with marijuana. Marijuana with harder drugs. Harder drugs with alcohol. Alcohol with cigarettes. Cigarettes with William. Now I felt as though I was replacing William with Tyson. I found myself thinking of him all the time. Craving his attention. Going nuts waiting for him to call or show up. It was during this crazy obsessive time that I thought I was falling for him. This is also when the revelation of the addiction problem became evident.


One of Tyson's girlies had been acting weird and one day after a smoking-cursing-couch session we had figured out that she must have thought that there was more to Tyson and I than what was really there. The best way I could describe our friendship to her was to put it as "Tyson is the Will to my Grace without the whole gay part." She claimed to have understood but still to this day is over-affectionate and clingy towards him whenever I enter the room. Whatever. She's young and doesn't understand what the deal is.


Today began the way they usually do when Tyson and I are on our "on" week. He woke me up with a text only this time it wasn't about breakfast. It was more along the lines of "I've been up all night playing this new video game and drinking. Please help me as I am wasted and suppose to be somewhere shortly." I threw on the clothes from the night out before and made my way through the overly familiar hallway of Tyson's apartment building and stopped at his front door. I knocked quickly and counted to four before turning the knob to walk in.


"Hey! You didn't bring any smokes did you?" I had so I sat down and began rolling one up for him.


"You know, Leila. I thought about you yesterday. Little Girl was suppose to come over and things didn't work out and all I could think about was you and your words of wisdom that I never take. I just sat there and stared at the phone after hanging up on her and laughed and thought of you."


"Well Tyson, that just goes to show you that Leila is always right and knows you better than you think she does. You know I still love you whether or not you listen to me. If you did always listen we wouldn't have these little moments of laughter together now would we?"


We chuckled and then IT happened. We held each other's gaze for that moment too long. The moment that changes a glance into an emotional exchange. You know what I mean....when you look at each other to share a second of laughter and then you look back for some reason and catch the other looking at you so you both look away only to catch the other one looking at you again so you lock eyes and feel all silly and awkward. This is the point where your laughing-at-the-incident-smile turns into that little smile of curiosity at what the other is thinking as you think things you should not be thinking. This particular look and smile are usually followed by someone grinning ear to ear and asking, "What?" while giggling.


Yeah. Not good for a friendship. Moments like these can kill the best of relationships if you opt to give in at the wrong time. There were quite a few of these moments between us today. One of these moments was followed by the confirmation from him that I needed. After the giggle-what, he said, "Leila, we have some weird sort of connection. It blows my mind that we ended up the way that we have. When I met you, I thought you were cool but I never imagined we would be where we are so quickly." And he grinned.


"I agree. Sometimes I feel like you are the Male version of myself."


"Yeah, but don't get lost in that thought. You are a truly good person in and out. I know you have the capability to be as evil as me but you don't dwell there like I do. You even it out. You even us out." This statement was followed by another 'moment' that we both acknowledged yet denied at the same time.


The positive to this is that I finally got my confirmation from Tyson about our friendship. It's just that. Neither of us wants more than what it is and now we both know that the feelings we have are shared. Leila would be lost without Tyson and Tyson would be lost without Leila. This is why we are such awesome friends. We had decided a while back that the "friend zone" is where we prefer to reside. Things have been said since then and events have taken place. I'm just so glad that now things have been redefined. We've been through so much together I would hate for that all to end by giving in to a couple stupid 'moments'. There are a lot of those 'moments' though....j/k. Not even entertaining the idea. I love Tyson just the way we are! The Will to my Grace. "The cheese to my macaroni." We just make sense--platonic sense.

Thanks for stopping by! Be a dear and don't forget to feed the fish on the way out! Thanks!

*~*Leila*~*