Single-dom

Recent events have made me do a lot of thinking today. For those of you that know me really well are aware that thinking done on lack of sleep hardly ever works out positively for me. I need to figure me out all over again. I mean, I am happy being single. I like not having to answer to someone else when it comes to doing what I want. I love that there is no jealous person waiting at home to grill me the moment I walk through the door. I like the freedom. I hate the loneliness though. About 95% of all my friends are married so that usually leaves me on the outs at parties and social events. I've also noticed changes in my so-called friends since I've entered the single world. It's no secret that I get along better with guys. Until William, all my friends were guys. Well, being part of a couple meant that now all my friends were married. When I was with William, there never seemed to be an issue if I went out with just the boys. I was usually the only girl hanging out in the tool shed out back with the guys while all the wives were in the house gossiping and tending to the children. I hate to gossip and I do not have any children so I was usually just standing there, drink in hand, wishing I was outside as I didn't really have any input whatsoever on the discussions taking place in the kitchen. Now, out in the shed/garage....that's where I felt most comfortable. I was in on the conversations about poker, hockey, cars, building stuff, working on broken stuff...the "guy" talk. That was my element---no real drama. None of the "I-can't-believe-that-slut-wore-white-on-her-wedding-day" conversations or discussions of the "proper way" to raise your children. Nope. None of that crap for me! Everyone knew I was a TomBoy and it was understood that's where I would rather be and everyone was okay with that. Or so I thought. There were several occasions where I would jump in the truck and ride up to the store on a beer run with one of the guys. Or go check a deer plot. Or go hit the trails. Just me and one of the boys. Whatever.

Recently, however, it has come to my attention that the females of the group feel differently about me now that I am single. It is no longer okay for me to opt to hang out in the shed instead of the kitchen. It is no longer okay for me to take off with one of the boys. I understand the whole "abstain from the appearance of evil" and all that jazz but come on! Seriously?!?! Yeah. This is not all in my head either. The words, "Well, it's different now that you're single" have actually been spoken to me on more than one occasion. I'm left feeling like crap. So, basically, all you bitches never trusted me in the first place. You just trusted that I wouldn't cheat on William. Now that I am single, it becomes clear that you didn't really trust me then and you sure as hell don't trust me now. WTF?!?!

Anyways, back to the issue at hand--me being single and what I actually want. I think I am way too busy to take on a relationship but I hate spending my nights alone. I hate being the third or fifth wheel in a group. I hate that at social events, I am either all by myself or spending the week scanning my "friends lists" trying to find a "plus one" to take to said event. So what am I to do about it? What do I want? What is it that I seek in a partner? Well, I thought I had it made with Leo (the prior mentioned FWB) but I now see that was a mistake from the start. NOTE TO SELF: When choosing an FWB in the future, do not select one with whom you have already had a romantic past. Not going to work out well. Emotions end up getting involved and apparently neither party knows how to act in these situations and someone (in this case me) ends up getting hurt and pissed off. One of the last nights I had with Leo made me realize just how much I miss being a couple with someone. Spending the night wrapped in his arms and waking up to see his smile has left me pining for a warm body in the middle of the night. Not just in the middle of the night I guess. I miss cuddling on the couch watching TV. Taking long drives on days off. Getting "lost" in the woods and pulling over when "it" couldn't wait until we got home. **SIGH**

I'm usually attracted to the "John Mayer" or "Jason Mraz" or "Johnny Depp" types, but sometimes feel like I'm just fronting to be with them. I went out on a few dates with one artist/musician/hippie and found myself having a good time----at first. Quickly I found that I couldn't bring much to the conversations as I enjoy being a carnivore, cut down trees for bonfires, drive a gas-guzzler and listen to country music. I like the sensitive side they have but I guess I still want a 'manly' man. I want tattoos and eyebrow rings. I want dirty, grease-covered hands. I want defined upper arms and a beer belly. I want a man that wears his baseball hat backwards and might have something from his last meal lingering in his goatee/beard. I want a man straight out of a Jason Aldean or Tim McGraw song. I want that life! I want to take a ride on your big green tractor. I want you to write a song about me. I want a man to come home after a long day of manual labor and want nothing more but to be with me. I want that. I really do. Underneath the gaudy jewelry and the make-up is a redneck woman deep inside me longing to own a mediocre home with a front yard that I can stand barefoot in and holler at my children playing in their tree house in the great big oak on the corner of the property. I want that stupid, rusty, broken-down, hunk of junk tractor sitting in the backyard. I want at least two dogs and a cat tracking mud through my kitchen with the kids as they all file in for dinner. It all sounds perfect to me. Why can't I find that? Where is the man that is going to make my head turn and tilt to one side? Why do I give myself a million reasons to turn and run when someone does show me a little bit of positive attention? Why can't I just allow myself to let someone in my life that might actually want me for me and not the front that I put up? What is so bad about living in lower-middle class trying to make ends meet? Why does that scare the crap out of me and excite me at the same time? I want real love! I want a love like my parents share! Those two are so happy-in-love with each other after all this time that it makes me wanna puke. The other day I stopped by my parent's house unannounced and found my dad sitting in his chair in the living room and my mom in the kitchen making his dinner. You wanna know what it was that made me smile the most about this scenario? My mom was walking around in jeans and a T-shirt that read "My Husband Rocks" across the chest. They are so happy to be together. It wouldn't matter if they lived in a mansion on a hill or in a cardboard box picking food out of a garbage can. As long as they were together, they would be ecstatically happy.

I guess in all of this I really do want a relationship. I'm just not that happy being single--despite the freedom. I feel like I am forever in the pursuit of something more. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Oh well, such is life.

Thanks for stopping by! Be a dear and don't forget to feed the fish on your way out!

*~*Leila*~*