To William:

Totally lost in the maze
I search for a beacon in the haze.
Something to guide me where to go.
Someone to share all the things they know.
Looking for a post on which to lean.
Trying to forget all that I have seen.
Clarity is all I desire
To emulsify this fire
That burns down deep within my soul.
Trying once again to be whole.
I desperately need a hand to hold
To help me when I need to be bold.
Amongst the confusion, I see your face.
Please come save me--get me out of this place.
I need your warmth, it's cold an drafty.
My demons inside are getting crafty.
I can't face them on my own.
I'm terrified to be left alone.
All the pain and insecurity
Suddenly washes over me.
Why can't we just get this right?
I don't think I can win this fight.
My heart is left with pieces shattered
As I realize that I never mattered.
To you I gave all of my heart
In hopes you and I would never part.
You played with me these silly games.
I'm just another line on your list of names
Of places you can call your home
When you no longer wish to roam.
I will not be around when you return.
You need to feel your desires burn.
In the end, I am just me.
Blinded by you I could not see
The Woman I harbor deep inside.
She no longer needs to hide.
Without you I am just as strong.
I could do it all along.
Looking back, I finally see
That you were never there for me.
I was there to light your way.
I was there to always say
"Lean on me, I'll hold you up."
Always there to fill your cup
With words and love and honesty.
Yet, you never did the same for me.
The love we had was all one sided.
How did I become so misguided?
I'm better off all by myself.
Way up high upon the shelf
Is where I'll keep my former being.
The girl that had the trouble seeing
Past the lies and all deceit--
She was too easy to defeat.
I'll keep her there as a reminder
To find someone that is much kinder.
That is what I truly deserve.
Never again will I lose my nerve
To always put myself first
even when it hurts the worst.
I have to look after me
to be the Me I need to be.



I haven't written anything since I started my relationship with you, William. Five years of my adult life I spent trying to be the perfect partner for you and in that I lost myself. I have realized that it wasn't me that you fell for, you wanted someone you could mold and manipulate into what you wanted and you saw that weakness in me. Well, here I stand today to tell you that I have found myself again and I will no longer play your games. I'm over it and you should be as well. I do not need your validation as it was never worth anything anyway. I need to look out for me and to be me and do whatever it takes to keep the me I love alive. I am stronger than I could have ever imagined and I can do this all with0ut you...